


Open When...

by miyatree



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Not Book Canon Compliant, Sad, Seriously I Cried While Writing This
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-05 07:04:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6694396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miyatree/pseuds/miyatree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec is thirty-three when he writes the first letter. He is eighty-three when he writes the last.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Open When I Have Gone

Alec is thirty-three when he writes the first letter. He's inspired by an offhand comment their son makes while he's tucking him in to bed. "Daddy, you have a hair that's different from the rest," he says, reaching up to pluck it painfully from Alec's head. Alec laughs and takes the hair out of Max's hand. There are more than a few black strands mixed in, but it's easy to spot – a single grey hair.

"That happens when you get older, Max," he answers, and throws the hairs on to the floor. They'll mix in with the multitudes of cat hair until he decides vacuuming is something he should probably do. "Your hair can turn white or grey. It just happens."

"But daddy is way older than you and he's never had that colour of hair," Max answers, pulling the covers up to his neck and turning on his side.

"It's going to be different for you two," Alec says, kneeling down beside the bed and crossing his arms over the covers. He pulls at a loose thread as he thinks. "You're going to age, but after a certain point, it won't be physically." He pokes Max on the forehead. "And you know daddy would just turn his hair blue or something if that ever happened."

"It was blue last week."

Alec laughs, leaning in to kiss Max on the cheek. "Yeah, it was," he agrees, getting to his feet. He shakes out the pins and needles in his knees and tells Max he loves him. Max is already snoring before he shuts the door.

Later on that night he sits down at his desk stares out the window. It's been raining for a few hours now. Magnus hates the rain. He's out on business, should be getting home soon, but Alec knows he's going to be tired. The rain always makes him tired. He'll probably go straight to bed without eating, but Alec's made him a dinner anyway. It's sitting covered in foil in the fridge, with written heating instructions taped to the top.

Alec stretches his arms above his head and sighs as his elbows crack. He replays the conversation with Max over in his head and wonders if he should have said something different. Eventually they'll have to explain the concept of mortality to him, but Alec had hoped it was going to be later rather than sooner. It's something that took Alec himself a long time to come to terms with. He supposes Max has some idea. After all he knows Magnus has been alive for centuries, and besides a few of their friends there really isn't anyone else in Max's circle with that sort of life experience.

It has him thinking about what life will be like for Magnus and Max when he is gone. He knows it's something Magnus struggles with – that every passing year for Alec is another year closer to the end. It's not a point of contention in their relationship anymore, but it's still a painful thought, and despite everything... he worries.

He's not sure where the idea comes from, but before he knows it he's got a blank piece of paper in front of him and a pen in his hand, and the words just flow out of him. When he's done the rain has stopped it's relentless assault on the windows, and he's folding the page delicately in to a square. He slides it in to an envelope and seals it. On it he writes:

**Open When I Have Gone**

He bites his lip as he stares at it. He almost decides it's a dumb idea, and is very near to tossing it in the trash, when he hears the front door open and close, and the happy cries of Chairman Meow as Magnus arrives. Alec shoves the envelope and pen in to a desk drawer, and gets up to meet him.

*

By the times he turns forty he's written dozens of them. He's moved them to a box he keeps in the back of his half of the closet (it's more like his eighth of the closet – Magnus has a lot of accessories). His hair is speckled here and there with grey now, and when he looks in the mirror he can see the crinkles of time in the corner of his eyes. The creases of laughter at the edge of his lips. He looks in the mirror and he sees happiness, and he wouldn't trade it for anything.

*

When he's sixty-two, he writes a letter to Max. He's included little bits for him in some of his other letters to Magnus, should he ever decide to share them with Max one day (Alec likes to think he might), but this is the first time he writes to Max only. He draws a little dinosaur in the corner of it, because at seven Max was absolutely obsessed with them. It was one of Alec's favourites out of Max's many obsessions growing up, one he never really grew out of if the design of Max's phone case is any evidence.

He talks about how much he loves Max. He talks about what an honour it has been to raise him, how fulfilling his life has been. He doesn't ask him not to be sad, because he knows that comes with loss, but he says he hopes the sadness passes easily. He hopes that Max can look back on his childhood and smile.

He writes on this one:

**Max: Open When I Have Gone**

In another he simply writes the words _I am so proud of you._ That one he titles:

**Max: Open When It Gets Easier**

*

Alec is eighty-three when his hands no longer allow him to write fluidly. He writes one last letter, and he asks Max to read it over because he can't tell if it's legible. Max is crying as he starts to read, but he nods his head slowly and tells Alec it's perfect. He helps his father fold it in to a square, and together they fit it in to the envelope. Max tapes it shut and flips it over. Slowly, Alec writes:

**Open When You Can't Remember The Colour Of My Eyes**

When Magnus enters the room, Max has already stored the letter away in the overflowing box. He finds Max sitting next to Alec's bedside, head resting on mattress as they sleep. "Hey little goose," he says, gently shaking Max awake. "Raphael called – he said you're running late for that meeting."

"Yeah, sorry," Max whispers. He wipes at the tears that have long dried on his cheeks. "I love you, dad," he says to Alec, placing a kiss on his cheek before he rises. He turns to Magnus and smiles. "I love you too, you know."

Magnus returns the smile and pulls him in to a hug.

Shortly after he leaves, Magnus crawls in to the bed beside Alec and nestles his face in to the crook of his neck. "I'm home," he says quietly, placing a kiss to Alec's ear. Alec sighs in his sleep, a soft smile tugging at his lips.

*

Alec is eighty-four when he goes peacefully in his sleep. He's surrounded by his family, and it's exactly how he would have wanted it to happen.

*

There isn't an order to the letters. There are no dates to tell when they were written, only simple instructions for when they should be opened. At first Magnus wants to rip them all open and read them in one sitting. But the first one he reads is titled **Open When I Have Gone** and, in it, Alec chastises him for the mere thought. Magnus shakes his head and wipes the tears from his face as he reads through the letter.

_Magnus,_

_First, I want you to know how happy you make me. Every day with you feels like the best day of my life. I'm going to write this to you often, because if there is one truth I can say without the slightest bit of hesitance, it's this: I love you. I have loved you since the moment I saw you, I think. And I will always love you._

_I know that right now you're probably feeling lost. You probably feel angry. Sad. I want you to know that's okay. But I need you to be the father Max needs you to be right now. Promise me you will never shut him out. You would never do it intentionally, but I know you like to keeps things inside. You're stubborn sometimes (I think you got that from me a little bit – for that, I'm sorry), but you're so strong, baby. This hurt is going to pass. It might take a long, long time. But one day, I want you to think of me and smile._

_(Also, if I do keep writing you these letters... open them when I tell you to, alright? Don't you dare go through them all at once. I know you better than you think I do, Mags.)_

_Tonight Max pulled a grey hair out of my head, and I got to thinking about what it will be like for the both of you when I am gone. We're going to have to explain it to him someday. I realised that tonight. I think I'll ask you about it tomorrow._

_Gods, Magnus. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you._

_I love you,_

_Alec_

_ _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by a post I saw on tumblr made by user blue-shadow75. You can find that [here](http://blue-shadow75.tumblr.com/post/143552087415/). I will likely add more chapters to this in the form of Alec's letters. I've got a huge list of ideas, and a lot of them are also going to be horribly depressing, so here's looking forward to that! :D You can follow me on [tumblr](http://harryshum.tumblr.com). I cry a lot about Shadowhunters & Malec, Harry Shum Jr, and various other fandoms. Fun Fact: I cried like a fucking baby as I was writing this. The tears actually would not stop. It was awful. Alec dying of old age and leaving Magnus behind is my fucking Achilles's heel.
> 
> I was hesitant to include this in TMI tag, only because I haven't really read them. I don't know anything about book!Malec besides what I've read on wiki. So apologies if Max is completely OOC.
> 
> PS: This is the first thing I have written in a very, very long time. Apologies for how awkward it probably was to read.


	2. You Don't Think You're Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An annoying client has Magnus doubting himself. Even years after his death, Alec refuses to let that stand.

Magnus slammed the door to his loft in a rage. It had been a busy, tiring day full of meetings with prospective clients and various Clave representatives, and his final client had gotten on the very last of his nerves.

It wasn't often that Magnus cared if somebody was judging him. He dressed to impress himself first, everyone else be damned, and took great pride in how he presented himself. Sure, he liked it when he could get all the eyes in the room to follow him, but that feeling had mostly dissolved down to a single person. As long as Alec appreciated him, he was happy. After a day like today, Magnus would have come home and fallen in to the arms of the man he loved, and he would have forgotten all about the idiocies he had dealt with.

But Alec had been gone for a long, long time.

Sighing, he pulled the scarf off of his neck and threw it over the couch. He made his way to the bedroom, and strode over to the full length mirror next to the closet. His final client, a fledgling vampire who had only been alive for half a century, had felt the need to constantly remark on Magnus' attire. A silly, menial thing to be bothered by, but Magnus was already worn down from the previous week's work, and this morning he hadn't put as much thought in to his outfit as he might normally have. The vampire's continual comments had only reminded him of the fact.

"Maybe the blue pants, next time..." Magnus mumbled, removing his shoes and sliding the yellow ones down his hips. _Try to be more professional, warlock_ , the man had hissed, eyeing him up and down with a judgmental gaze.

Not that it mattered, as he had refused to assist the vampire anyway, and would never see him again (preferably).

His shirt fell on to the floor beside his pants, and he fell backward on to the bed, magicking his jewelry to the desk and his makeup off his face in a quick snap.

He frowned, closing his eyes and trying to chase out the nagging irritation from his thoughts. _Everyone is allowed to have a bad day now and again_ , he mentally reminded himself. He opened his eyes again and held a hand up in front of his face, palm toward the ceiling. He had forgotten to do his nails this morning, too. He stared at them, gnawed down to the quick, a habit he had formed since Alec... His outstretched hand clenched in to a fist as he dropped it back to his stomach.

He sat up again, intending to drown his thoughts in alcohol, but his eyes caught on the box sitting on his desk. He bit his lip and decided to open it.

Alec always had the power to change his bad moods.

Even as he settled in to the chair and started to filter through the letters, he was scanning for one in particular. He had read the envelopes of every letter countless times in the years since Alec had passed. He knew them all by heart. He smiled as he found it, fingers tracing over the familiar script.

**Open When You Don't Think You're Beautiful**

_I have no way of knowing what has you feeling this way, and you must know what I am going to say to you already. So before I tell you exactly how amazing I think you are, inside and out, I want to tell you what I saw the first day I met you._

_Do you remember? I had just helped you finish off one of Valentine's lackeys. It wasn't the first time I'd ever seen you. The institute has a whole gallery of your life, essentially. But it was the first time I had seen you in motion. The way you move, Magnus... the way you still do. It's like watching a dance. And when you introduced yourself to me it was like the flip of a switch. I'm sorry it took me so long to realise it, but I met my partner that day. You took my breath away. You still do._

_Sometimes I wonder what you see when you look at me, all dressed in black and leather. I know they say opposites attract, but could we have been more polar? I guess, though, that if this is a couples dance then you must think I am beautiful too. I've learned to accept that. You love me for me, first. Who cares what I'm wearing, or how clear my skin is? You would never let me think less of myself because of those things. You've never tried to change me, even though I know you sometimes wish I would take Izzy's advice once in a while. (It's okay, I get it. Maybe I'll surprise you one day.)_

_You're gorgeous when you're dressed to the nines, and when you're laying beside me covered in sweat. You're gorgeous when you put your makeup on, and when you take it off at night. You're gorgeous every second of every day. When you fix your hair in the mirror before you leave, or when you wake up and it's even messier than mine is. When you just get out of the shower and the water is dripping down your neck. Your smile when you try to placate my mother, even though she's being completely unfair. Your smile when you open your eyes in the morning and catch me staring._

_Hell, even when you're angry at me, you are breathtaking._

_Your heart. Your kindness. Your ferocity. Your loyalty. Your confidence. Your soul. Your laughter. I could go on and on, but this letter would never end. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, by definition, when I imagine beauty I think of you, Magnus. My every day is filled with beauty and that's because I am with you._

_I love you,_

_Alec_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUUUUUYSSSS OH MY GOD! You were soooo kind to me in your comments last chapter. I actually got really overwhelmed with the love! haha. Thanks so much, and also for the kudos and bookmarks... it means a lot, seriously. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter. :) As usual, you can follow me on tumblr over at [harryshum](http://harryshum.tumblr.com). I blog a lot about Shadowhunters, Harry Shum Jr, and Malec... (Various other fandoms, too, but let's be real... this show has taken over my life.)


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